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Mediation Is Cost -Efficient

Wed, 17 Jul 2019 20:54:32 GMT

Ten phrases that help a discussion along

“You talk, I’ll listen.” Active listening (making eye contact, not interrupting, trying to validate the speaker) is the surest way to enhance communication. When your partner feels heard, even if you don’t agree with each other, you set the stage for a favorable negotiation.

“Would it be OK with you if I make a suggestion?” Ask permission - you will usually get an affirmative response, but by asking permission, you have engaged your partner in the discussion.

“Let’s start with the areas where we agree.” In Mediation and any fruitful dialogue, the key is to build on success.

“I acknowledge this is difficult for both of us.” In Mediation, it’s essential to be aware and sensitive the pain of dissolving a partnership and know that sadness and anger are human and are a natural, predictable part of a divorce.

“There are no wrong answers when we brainstorm solutions, only options that we may choose to pursue or choose to discard.” As you negotiate a settlement, learn not to fear adverse reactions, and learn to withhold criticism. Sometimes the least likely and most creative solution ends up being the plan both partners can agree to, and ultimately chosen.

“We’ve given this marriage what we were capable of giving, so let’s find a peaceful way to settle things.” Commitment to respecting the process, trying to stay logical, containing criticism and trying to stay positive are respectful ways to acknowledge that you both have tried hard to make things work and are willing to move towards a reasonable settlement calmly.

“I’d like to propose...” This is a much easier statement to hear than “I want” or “I need.” It assumes that there is a calm process of the proposal followed by a counter-proposal.

“I’d like to try...” This phrase often starts a discussion of parenting issues/custody and visitation agreements. Always be aware that the best interests of the children are paramount legally and as parents. A fluid discussion and awareness that as children develop, the arrangement may need to change to benefit the children are essential here.

“I believe we will find a solution.” Optimism and hope are the hallmarks of a successful negotiation. It may take a few sessions to get there- but remember Mediation is a process. Your belief in a positive outcome (a less expensive and yet durable divorce agreement) is the positive energy that will drive you towards that peaceful, comfortable outcome.

“Thank you.” The most important piece! Gratitude! In every marriage, we begin with hope and love, and somewhere along the way, something went wrong. But treasure the positive memories. Recall the good times, as that fabric is part of your life also. Acknowledgment of your partner’s strengths and good intentions are central to a comfortable, peaceful mediated divorce.

Next Article: Ten ways to treat yourself well when you are going through a divorce

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Ten ways to treat yourself well when you are going through a divorce:

Thu, 04 Apr 2019 04:49:30 GMT

Forgive yourself- you did the best you could;
Avoid replaying your mistakes and partners mistakes;
Stay future oriented;
Nurture relationships and start to build a new support network;
Use creative outlets: photography, journal, draw, sing, dance;
Reconnect with spiritual direction;
Take care of your children, they need you now;
Avoid substances and sugar addiction;
Exercise;
Be polite - be proud of being a good person in times of duress;
Try mediation as a collaborative peaceful and respectful process. It will save you money and help your heart so you can move forward in a peaceful way

Next Article: Creative Solutions for Touch Times

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Creative Solutions for Tough Times

Thu, 04 Apr 2019 04:38:17 GMT

When people come to see us for Mediation, it is one of the hardest and most challenging times of their life. We understand this and also believe that there can be healing and growth in the midst of calamity. Sometimes in Mediation couples explore new patterns of behavior–speak up more, discuss issues calmly– and develop healthier systems of communication over time, with coaching and positive reinforcement.

One of the issues in a marriage that has grown stale or fraught with conflict over time often has to do with habits and patterns of behavior that are intractable. One or both partners may have given into habitual behaviors that led to the death of a vital partnership. Habits live long and creative solutions feel frighteningly like change to the couple, so they stick with ways of interacting that are “safe” in one sense but the tie that binds becomes threadbare as the marriage becomes about patterns and chores, or all about the kids, and the prioritization of the marriage itself is lost along the way.

While there are true addictions that can spell the demise of a marriage – with one or both partners having given in to alcoholism, gambling, or sex addiction – often the problem in a marriage is more subtle and has to do with an interrelationship that has grown dysfunctional over time. While neither partner is totally to blame, the ways the two partners relate has become habitual and non-productive. Silence, and passivity as opposed to assertiveness, can kill a marriage over time. Blaming rather than compromising or negotiating can lead to the end over time. When the couple stops remembering that they want to be a team, this can be the beginning of the end. To honor the marriage as the center of the family takes energy and commitment, and couples can give up on the energetic cost of nurturing the relationship. The neglect of the life of the couple can eventually become the groundwork for unhappiness, and ultimately divorce.

Often, one or both partners retreat into either personal goals, “My needs are not being met so I need to think about me – even if this means that I will have an affair.” Another common reaction to the dissolution of a partnership is a retreat into depression, sadness and grief – an understandable reaction but one which ultimately (if not treated) does not spell out the rejuvenation of a partnership, especially if unresolved and long-standing.

In a good Mediation, we give the couple the opportunity to try again at looking at the pieces of the puzzle (child custody, support, visitation, and division of marital assets and debt), and come up with creative solutions to make both parties comfortable. Trying out new solutions and getting used to new roles in life (being a single parent, living on one’s own, budgeting, prioritizing) can ultimately be a life enhancing experience once you embrace change and view life as a current, full of change twists and turns and never predictable.

Some creative solutions such as “nesting” (sharing both a larger home and a smaller apartment and taking turns living with the children, so the children always remain in the larger space) can be uncomfortable at first but resolves many issues. Trying a varied visitation schedule for the sake of the children’s needs also may feel uncomfortable at first.

However, the goal of a mediated divorce where both parties have a say in determining a fair settlement is also the goal of living a good life – you need to feel you have a voice in the outcome of a major decision that will effect so many aspects of your future. The more input you have, the more you feel heard and listened to by the other party, the happier you will feel with the outcome.

It takes time and compassion to do this kind of work. It takes compassion from both the Mediators, who are committed to treating you in a respectful and gentle manner as befits the stage of life that you are going through. But by choosing to mediate you divorce, you are also honoring yourself in the process. Give yourself credit. You can be creative. You can change dysfunctional communication patterns. You can be heard. And we will do our best to help to help you and your spouse.

Next Article: 10 Steps to a Cleaner, Quicker, Less Costly Divorce – Part 1

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10 Ways to a Cleaner, Quicker, Less Costly Divorce – Part 2

Fri, 19 Oct 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Sadness, self-doubt, and a sense of failure are often the psychic costs of a divorce. However, while mourning and a grieving process are inevitable, there are ways to stave off the worst consequences of a hiring a divorce attorney. Divorce mediation is a much better alternative,

These are six more steps to a quick, less expensive divorce without an attorney,

Step Five : come to Mediation sessions on time, and keep lists of questions and concerns. Writing down your questions prior to sessions helps you use the time effectively.

Step Six : Avoid blaming the other party for past problems in the marriage. Turn the page. The mediation process is a means of moving forward, not back. It is essentially the dissolution of a contract. Maintaining a rational focus will help the process be as smooth and comfortable as possible.

Step Seven: Start to imagine a future without your partner. Take stock of all your skills, your attributes, your career path, your parenting style. Write a list of all the qualities that are great about you! Work on building that positive separate identity, as a means of preparing for the future. Many times the true reason for a protracted and bitter divorce is simply that one party in the marriage can not let go. As you embrace the future as a single person, you will find that the healing process will be natural and fulfilling. Holding on to a marriage through a protracted divorce action is like keeping a band-aid on a cut for too long – you need to let yourself breath in order to heal.

Step Eight: consider therapy for yourself or your children. If you are not a fan of therapy, consider a Divorce support group. You may need some help to get through this life transition. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or support from a professional, from your friends, or a rabbi, minister, or a leader within your faith. This is a time to be willing to have support from others – isolation during a divorce is a mistake that often leads to depression and anxiety.

Step Nine: Notice the progress you make and reward yourself. Each fruitful mediation session can be exhausting, so take a moment to congratulate yourself for having to courage to trust the process.

Step Ten: count your blessings! If you complete a divorce through mediation in 5 – 10 sessions, at a costo of $1,500 – $3,000 (as many couples do), give yourself a hug and spread the message! Divorce doesn’t have to be tremendously costly and you don’t have to go bankrupt in the process. Yes, you can have a health and financially comfortable divorce through Mediation. And your children’s needs can be cared for in the process.

While many of us hope for a perfect marriage and a love that lasts forever, in real life we often must give up that dream in order to find a comfortable lifestyle . Sometimes that lifestyle is one of being single. Feeling that you have made the right decision often involves measuring that you have not lost yourself or what is most valuable to you in the process.

Mediation can be a peaceful, self-enhancing process that allows couples the opportunity to move on with less rancor. This may mean healing without a lot of scar tissue. It means finding a way to move forward with forgiveness for your partner and for yourself. If you know you tried your best to amicably finalize your divorce, you will be able to live with yourself in the future. The efforts you make for a peaceful solution, and the courage to try Mediation, will be among your accomplishments in life.

Next Article: Mediation Is Cost-Efficient

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10 Steps to a Cleaner, Quicker, Less Costly Divorce – Part 1

Tue, 09 Oct 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Forget Divorce. Everyone loves love.

Ignoring Divorce, much of our advertising industry capitalizes on the idea that perfect love is the stuff of our dreams. In the beginning, our hopes hover on the dream of the ideal wedding: white lace, a gorgeous princess-like wedding gown, champagne, and handwritten vows. And once the wedding is over and we switch dreams as we seek the perfect marriage.

For some, never considering the possibility of divorce, the dream transforms to the goal of raising children in an environment where they will be best able to thrive – with two parents, a comfortable home, a dog and a cat.

And of course, we still hope for the marriage which is a true union of creative equals: we hope for a partner that suits us and a coupling that will be uniquely pleasurable, stimulating, reliable, and life-enhancing. And on top of the wish list, we’d like our back scratched and our feet massaged. And a complement a day doesn’t seem like a lot to request.

When the dream can not be fulfilled, often individuals are faced with the psychic consequences of a belabored and bitter split. Self-esteem suffers under the burden of accusations, money haggling, tax audits, threats to have less contact with our children, and of course the death of our dream. The mourning process of divorce is inevitable. Sadness, self-doubt, and a sense of failure are often the psychic costs of a divorce.

However, while mourning and a grieving process are inevitable, there are ways to stave off the worst consequences of a divorce. Here are four of 10 steps to get you started.

Step One: Seek a divorce mediator. The possibility of a divorce through a process of reasonable negotiation exists. Litigation through opposing attorneys is generally a more costly and antagonistic experience. While mediation is not for everyone, it is useful to initially explore the least combative and financially sound solution. Your mediator can tell you if your case is appropriate for the mediation process.

Step Two : Make sure you come to mediation sessions prepared with your most recent income tax returns and statements of both marital assets and debts.

Step Three : Make a decision to try your best to be reasonable– which means that you are willing to listen. Your mediator will help conduct the sessions in a way that allows for fairness. Both parties need to be heard. Polite behavior and the use of active listening skills helps the process along.

Step Four : If you have children, think of their needs first. They deserve the best from both you and your partner. The law provides that the best interests of the children is the primary concern in a divorce. Your mediator will help position the children’s needs as paramount in the discussion process.

Step Five : come to Mediation sessions on time, and keep lists of questions and concerns. Writing down your questions prior to sessions helps you use the time effectively.

Next Article: 10 Steps to a Cleaner, Quicker, Less Costly Divorce – Part 2

Click Here For More Information On Divorce Mediation